Your New Baseline. Breakups are tough, but they happen for a reason.

Updated: Apr 16, 2021

Charles Mendler, MS, LMHC, CCHt

I would like you to imagine yourself looking over the edge of a mountain, looking down upon a maze. While paying closer attention to your breath, I would like you to accept the pull of gravity, enabling you to feel grounded while going further into this reading. As you breath in and out, think of you tapping into your inner energy, stemming from your story and what you have survived up until today. You have survived everything you can think of, with regards to your memories of your life, including your ex and that relationship.

I reference your looking down because you had to climb the mountain, so that you could get away from what no longer made sense to you. Your toxic relationship had you confused about who you are. You lost something about you. You felt lost, as though your partner told you to go left when you should have gone right. At times, you feeling lost was acceptable because you knew you were doing the best you could to help your partner get right again. Over time, however, you realized you could not stay in this maze any longer. You realized how many times you had to go back the way you came, so that you can try again to find yourself, while also carrying someone else on your back. You have grown quite strong from this process, but back then, your strength was pushed to the limit.

You are now looking down upon this time, knowing you have survived, but also knowing your partner will be calling for you to come back down to help, to have one more "special moment," or some other reason, attempting to tap into your empathy, your light, your compassion, and your love. I reference you looking down because you have grown from your survival, and you looking down represents you looking back at the former life you had. A life in which you felt uncomfortable, confused, and made to feel you had to hold back on "Your Amazing." See, for every maze you have survived, you obtained an amazing. This does not mean the same as "you are amazing," but after you finish reading this, I would like you to look in the mirror and say this to yourself. Your partner will probably try again, seeing if you will fall back into the maze. Those with an amazing draw the attention of "The Takers" in the world. A life filled with taking means you never really grew anything of your own, and it means the individual has yet to heal from their own mazes. Takers can't help but try to take from the givers, but this does not mean you ever have to consider it. You have the right to stay right where you are.

You have the right to stay right where you are. If you are reading this, as someone who came out of a toxic, abuse, violent, or unfulfilling relationship, embrace you will never feel good about going back to a place where you cannot be you. You will never feel amazing going back to a time where you never felt amazing. You will never feel good giving away "Your Amazing."

You have the right to stay where you are. If you are someone who broke away from a relationship where you were simply not satisfied, embrace your right to not give any more chances. Is it because your partner never works? You do not have to go back. Is it because your partner needs counseling and refuses to go? You do not have to go back. Is it because you are experiencing compassion fatigue, due to your partner making you the counselor, while also saying he or she does not need counseling? You do not have to go back.

I am asking you to go

back to the breath

Let gravity remind you

Each and every time you

Feel conflicted about what is right for you

Embrace the survivor within you

You have the right to say "No"

If you do not want to go

Don't go

You have the right to feel good

And make this feeling your addiction

As you allow that thought to take hold

Embrace you can let go of your affliction

If your ex resembles an addiction

Look down at this affliction

Be honest with zero restrictions

Embrace you are your addiction

As you are sitting on mountain top, looking down at your ex-relationship, I encourage you to take hold of the following mantra seeds. As you read them, whether you are fully ready to accept them, lean into your resistance for accepting them. You know they make sense for you and can work for you, and now it is time for you to embrace the love you can have for you.

Self Love Rules. Whenever you do get that call, tempting you to go back down into what you do not truly want, consider falling back on these self love rules. Embrace these truths about you, and you will let go of ever being around those who are not right for you. Do not settle for anyone who intentionally harms you, betrays you, hits you, or repeatedly lies to you. You have the right to treat yourself how you want others to treat you, and this would involve those who repeatedly hurt you, don't ever deserve you. You deserve you. You deserve you, and once you embrace this, you can turn the other direction, towards your future, and find what is just right for you.

Here are my "Self Love Rules"

No one will ever love you more than you love you

You have to love what you have to do

You are your addiction Embrace "Your Amazing."

You have to love every part of you

You are the one in control

Whoever will hurt you will lie to you

It's A Hellified Whirlwind

No One Will Love You More Than You Love You- No one else is in your thoughts, carries your emotions, deals with your pain, or gets you up out of bed every day but you. Embrace your love for you, and you will find it easier to find love around you.

You Have To Love What You Have To do- Whether you hate or like what you have to do, you have to do it, as what you have to do, represents you. Doing what we have to do is about us embracing we have the right to accomplish what we need to accomplish and be who we were meant to be.

You Are Your Addiction- Be open to gradually, or abruptly, letting go of what you do not need in your life. You can separate yourself from the toxic ones in your life by embracing your life is your addiction. Do for you, and do your best to keep doing what is for you and not against you. You can choose to use and abuse yourself, and you can choose to say no to the abuse towards you. Make your health and mental health your addiction.

Embrace "Your Amazing"- For every traumatic event you have survived, there is a special gift within you, and if you are not aware of this gift, consider engaging in some deep trauma work and clinical hypnotherapy. We will go find it. Actually, you will find it, and as you are on your search, my voice with go with you.

You Have To Love Every Part Of You- You have to love every part of you, even the parts about you which make you doubt you. For any of those parts, be open to facing them, and embrace you cannot hide from them. All parts of you are you. Accept what you can control and what cannot be controlled. Improve what can be improved, and embrace you.

You Are The One in Control- It does not matter what others do or say, you are the one in control today. It is essential we embrace what we can and cannot control, and always know you can control what you do. You can choose to do things to help you, or you can choose to give your energy to others first. You can choose to hurt you, and you can choose to let others hurt you, but you can also choose to turn and walk in the other direction. You can make any essential correction at any time.

Whoever will hurt you will lie to you- If you are a victim of any form of abuse, embrace the ones who hurt you lied by showing that you deserve to be harmed. You do not deserve to be harmed. If your ex intentionally caused pain to you, embrace this relationship carries lies within it, and you can let go of any false teaching that rests within you.

It's a Hellified Whirlwind- So many are doomed before they could even begin, within this Hellified Whirlwind we are in. I choose to give from within, which means I do not give to those who have taken from me. I set very clear boundaries with them, or I cut them off. This is my right. The givers have the right to no longer allow the takers to take from them. Give to those who have never taken from you, and set boundaries with those who have.

Allow these self love seeds to start growing deep within you. If you read through these a couple times, each day if you can, you will remember to apply them to your life. All of these make sense, and in time, all of these will be accepted.

You have the right to be happy, and if you feel happier now than when you were with your ex, allow happiness to be the new addiction. You are the addiction, and if happiness is what you want, let go of what made you unhappy. You have the right to do you, so do.

If you ex starts yelling up to you, from deep down within the maze, use these self love rules to remind you of your new baseline. You have the right to be here. Be aware of your choice to keep climbing, far away from what you left behind. We can always come back to learn about ourselves, but we will not find our happiness behind us.

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