Updated: Apr 16
Charles Mendler, MS, LMHC, CCHt
I am going to share a situation that is so common, with regards to relationships, and with regards to men. We forget who we are, at times, and we must embrace we are doing nobody any good by holding back on who we are. When we find ourselves projecting negativity onto the world around us, it means we know deep down we are holding back on ourselves. The best way for us to feel better about ourselves is for us to remind ourselves who we are.
I am not saying this applies to everyone, so if you know you have been consistent with you doing what you need to do for yourself, awesome. If you are someone who knows you have been holding back on yourself, leading to you questioning who you are, what you are doing in your relationship, whether you are safe any longer, or whether she is still feeling you the way she once did, it is time for you to REMEMBER WHO YOU ARE!!
It is very easy not worrying about anyone else, meaning life can be so much easier when you are not worrying about "what she is doing." When a single guy first meets the woman who is just different than the others he has experienced, meaning he thinks he may have found someone he wants to spend way more time with, it is essential this guy continues to do all the things he was doing when he first met her. If he does not, over time, he loses who he was, and this can then lead to the woman he changed for no longer being into him like she once was. Can we blame her? No. Do we blame her? Sometimes. In the minds of many men, we think we are doing right by giving our special someone more time. We assume this is necessary for us to make her happy, or we assume we have to pull back on being the alpha we were because we are now a "Relationship Guy." These assumptions can cause us to maybe work out less, fall off of our body sculpting diet plan, spend more money than we were spending, stop hanging out with our friends, or stop engaging in the creative outlets that were becoming increasingly meaningful. These were merely some examples, and there are many others which could be used, but it all comes back to the amount of time we assume MUST BE SPENT WITH HER. This woman, who has taken our hearts, is a woman who showed her eager availability to a man who was working out, taking care of his body, showing control with his money, had a cool circle of friends, was often very busy, and showed a unique talent with his creative gifts. If we fall back on any of these things, or any vital things about you that were not mentioned, we not only start to harm ourselves, leading to insecurities and projections, we also stop being that KING our QUEEN invested all of her eggs into. She put all of her eggs into one basket, assuming we would remain the man we were when we met, so we do no justice to ourselves, our woman, or the world when we hold back on anything we once found essential to us.
"WHEN WE LOSE OUR WAY, WITHOUT REALIZING WE ARE LOST, WE MAY LOOK TO OUR WOMAN FOR GUIDANCE, BUT NOBODY CAN LEAD US BACK TO OUR PATH BUT OURSELVES"
Projections are signs that our unconscious is unsatisfied with where we are, and while these may seem like a bad thing, they aren't at all. These projections, or triggers, are signs that we can still go back to that moment where we left our essential pieces to who we are. Projections, however, can be very ugly to the outside world, and they can often feel very ugly and toxic within us. Jealousy is one of those projections, and we all know jealous feelings never make us feel good about ourselves. When we act on our jealousy, we feel even worse, and it shows the one we love another side to us. It shows a weaker side that may not have been shown going into the relationship. When we feel threatened by someone by someone else, or we feel internally threatened by the unknown individual who we have never seen and do not even know exists, it can mean we no longer think of ourselves the way we once did. If we have been holding back on our self care, aren't exercising, are spending way more than we are making, aren't feeling as close as we once did with our close friends, which is often a wrong assumption, and are no longer putting our unique creative mind into things the world has never heard or seen, we may find ourselves intimidated by a man who is doing all of these things. We may find ourselves jealous of a man who barely does any of these things, but he may present as though he does. We may find ourselves glorifying another man, thinking he has enough juice to take our woman, while our woman has never expressed interest in any way. It is then our jealous actions which may make it even clearer that we are not who we once were, to our woman, but in the mind of a creative who is not creating, he may assume he himself has no understanding of how to get himself back.
The unique creative mind creating outside is powerful, but the more powerful it has presented itself on the outside, the more powerful it can destroy you on the inside.
Maybe the fears and worries are assumptions, but unless the warnings of our woman are taken, we may inevitably cause our woman to forget who we are as well. Can we blame her? Sure, but is it really her fault? No. We must never forget who we are. If we go into a relationship with a swagger and light that could take over a room, we do nobody any good by holding back on that. When we hold back on who we are, or when a relationship puts us in a place where we experience feelings of fear, one or more of our gifts may have fallen into our SHADOW. The intense fear of being hurt can be traumatic, and even when the fear is unjustified by anything that has specifically happened, it is essential we soothe ourselves, face our triggers, and face our fears, so that the part of us we left behind can be rescued. You are still the man you once were, but you must be willing to back into the SHADOW to rescue the part of you that keeps reminding you what you left behind. Nobody will ever love you more than you love you, and your negative self talk and emotions represent your tough love for yourself because your unconscious refuses to forget who you are. We are our toughest critics, so we must be our strongest ally.
Jealousy is creative, and it is common we think and feel things that are not real, especially if the creative is no longer putting their creativity into magic, but sometimes, us forgetting who we are, for too long, can cause us to push away from our vital parts of our relationship. Even the watered down version of us must still abide by the rules and structure of our relationship. The projections and jealousy can lead to us being less attractive, less desirable, and less sex-able by our woman, leading to even more self hate, jealousy, and internal anger. That anger, when not checked, can also lead outward, pushing our woman away forever. These baby tantrums can also land you in jail, causing your dreams to be even further away, but also causing you to potentially making a real shift from who you were. Once we allow our weakness to overflow into physical aggression, we are no longer the man we once were. Our weakness should never lead to someone else feeling our pain. We are the hero in our story until this happens. We still have to carry on, but who knows if we will get back to the path we once had. There is always hope, but inflicting pain because of experienced pain will lead to a more intensified pain and trauma. Never forget their is a light within you, but if your projections and self hate are leading you towards a path where you are considering crossing lines you have never crossed, and breaking laws you would never have considered breaking, the best thing is for you to pull away from the relationship. Work on you, so that you can work, and with you loving yourself more than anyone else can, the relationship can come back. Depending on what has happened, you may never want to go back. With you loving yourself more than anyone else can, you will never fear these things, and without fear, you will know you have embraced the light within you.
I am one of those someones. My name is Charles Mendler, but you can call me Chuck. I am a Licensed Mental Health Counselor, Life Coach, Clinical Hypnotherapist, and I am an abuse survivor.
I will be revisiting this topic often. As I said above...
The unique creative mind creating outside is powerful, but the more powerful it has presented itself on the outside, the more powerful it can destroy you on the inside. You Are The One Who Your Thoughts Belong To. Always Think For You, and NEVER AGAINST YOU.
This means that once you know you have the light within you, you turning that power inward can be confusingly damaging. If you go into a relationship not questioning yourself, and you begin experiencing negative thoughts and feelings within the relationship, you are being creative against you. When your mind goes against you, and when your mind is creating stories with you as the one being treated poorly or being abused emotionally, embrace your ability to make something magical for you again. Create through the hate, and never procrastinate on creating through the hate. You have the ability to make good from bad and give the world something it has never ever had. If you have turned inward already, or you are in fear of whether this ever happens to you, never give up hope for yourself.
The more powerful your destruction has become on the inside, the more magical it will become once brought back to the outside, once you are ready to remember the good within you.
Once you remember who you are, it may take time to get fully back to where you were, but you do not have to go back the way you came. You actually cannot go back to where you were because you now have new wisdom from the side step journey you have taken. While this time may not have been your proudest time, your experience from this has brought you wisdom. Your emotions may have been against you, but now, with you beginning to take steps forward in a positive direction, a direction showing that you know, nobody can ever love you more than you love you, embrace you will exceed where you once were. Be open to how you have grown from this traumatic experience, and this has added to what you are able to do moving forward. We learn from our mistakes, and it is better we identify our mistakes as learning experiences. We only know what we know, and our personal journey represents our unique hands on education on how to live.
Your relationship with yourself is the most important relationship you will ever have in your lifetime. Whether you know this to be true or not, it is true, because nobody can ever love you more than you love you. Never forget who you are! You have a light within you, and once you know, you can never pretend to not know. There is a light within you.